After the awesome success of "Shaun of the Dead" out of the UK, a terrible thing happened. Suddenly, everyone in Britain wanted to make a horror comedy. Even worse, investors started supplying them with the money to do it.
I thought that "Severance" would put an end to these bad attempts at "Shaun of the Dead" style excellence, but I was wrong. Last year, we also got "The Cottage." This year, we're getting "Lesbian Vampire Killers," a really weak, unfunny, unscary and tepid little turd that no one will ever remember.
The film opens with a bang: We hear the backstory of Camilla, the lesbian vampiress who put some kind of a curse on the offspring of a knight who lopped her head off. There are a few topless vampire maidens practicing "an evil fueled by a hatred of man and a love of women," the narrator explains.
After some colorful opening credits with music that sounds like the Spice Girls, we are now in the present day and meet the two pint-drinking anti-heroes of the story: A fat clown (James Corden) who gets fired from his job as a children's entertainer for punching children in the face, and his buddy, a loser (Matthew Horne) who is perpetually being dumped by his girfriend. The two decide to go on a holiday in the British countryside. Naturally, they wind up in the town that was the former home to Carmilla.
Hooking up with a group of Eurobabes (all of whom, despite their Euroness, look like they walked out of a Budweister commercial) in a van, they head for an inn where they party the night away before, inevitably, they are attacked by scantily clad, very unscary, and very uninteresting lesbian vampires. The film looks like a Halloween commercial with slick photography, tame vampiresses and big-budget but soulless symphonic music. There isn't a scary or genuinely atmospheric moment in the whole film. There also isn't a funny moment, as the comedy just fails on every level.
Adding insult to injury, the gore effects are watered down. These vampires, for some inexplicable reason, bleed white goop and not blood. So when they are dispatched via axe, or stake or what have you, they just ooze goop.
Even worse, the film is lacking in the sex and nudity department -- something you wouldn't expect from a film entitled "Lesbian Vampire Killers." Isn't this supposed to be a send up of the sexy Hammer lesbian vampire films featuring Carmilla? Where are all the breasts then? Answer: nowhere.
They don't even show up during the film's climax when the two losers and one of the Euro chicks (MyAnna Buring of "The Descent") join forces with the local vicar to do in a small army of lesbo vampires once and for all. How the climax of a movie called "Lesbian Vampire Killers" could be so tame is beyond comprehension. Do they think they are going to sell this movie to the BBC? Or Comedy Central?